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Do Not Want: Herman Miller’s worst nightmare

23 Jan
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Usually when one reads the words “Herman Miller sectional” on this website one would feel a combination of joy and elation in a deal well-found.
PLEASE ALLOW ME TO SHATTER THIS IDEAL FOR YOU, READERS.
Presenting: The Herman Miller Sectional that makes dogs puke when they see it.
My first impression upon viewing this ad was a sickeningly pink tone reminiscent of cell structure or pig intestines – some thing or another I hated from high school biology. The poster is quick to mention that the couch was ‘reupholstered in the 90’s” as if its current condition is somehow benefited by this fact.
Apparently the sofa has lived most of its life in the hands of his/her grandmother, who is either dead or very, very disappointed.
The poster mentions the abuse by the cats but does not seem to indicate who or what exactly bled out on the far end of the sofa to create such a horrendous stain. (They say it’s water, but we know the truth.)
Finally, after demanding the full price and not offering any help with delivery, the poster continues their extreme audacity by saying that they might “cry when it leaves.”
Cry? CRY?
Did you cry for the 7 years you let your cats use this as their feces harem?
Did you cry when you found the nest of raccoons underneath the third cushion?
Did you cry when George Nelson HIMSELF got stabbed and died while hanging out in your gross garage?
For shame, sir or madam. For shame.
… All that said, for 100 bucks, it’s a pretty good start to a project if you first KILL IT WITH FIRE and then begin from the frame up.
By Alan L. (lover of 1960’s doll houses)
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DO NOT WANT: The chair what sends the Eames’ graves a-spinnin’

30 Mar

Of hundreds of chairs I’ve made over the years I think this might be my personal favorite. Matte grey painted curved plywood structure with bright almost mirrored silver faux crocodile fabric. No animals were harmed in the making of this mid century Eames inspired lounge chair.

(Original Etsy post)
* * *

I’ve seriously stared at this Etsy post for about 5 minutes, not really having the words to express how I feel. Truly, this is the Heart of Darkness of furniture, with nothing to be uttered but “The horror … the horror.”

The breakdowns in logic one must trace to explain the synthesis of this chair are unimaginable to most normal people – but I will attempt to, nonetheless.

One must begin with a personal aesthetic that is a Studio 54 coke-binge-meets-painting the sides of a battleship, and then possess balls the size of small moons to apply such a thing to THE most iconic piece of form-and-function furniture. So, to his/her credit, this person’s hubris scale is off the charts.

Layered bent ply not doing it for you? PAINT IT GRAY. Black leather a bit too “classy?” PUT A ROBOT ALLIGATOR ON IT. And then, in a move that is considered sexual assault in 42 U.S. states, price the abomination you have birthed at $1,500 smackaroos. Kind of hard to wrap your head around, is it not?

The description ends with the cheeky missive “no animals were harmed in the making of this mid century Eames inspired lounge* chair.* ” Perhaps true, but how many puppies and kitties will die deaths of fear and shame just laying their innocent lil’ eyes on this chair? There’s no real way to tell.

*I think it’s important to note I don’t consider this a ‘lounge’ or a ‘chair.’

Guest Writer Alan L. (Lover of 1960′s dollhouses)

Thanks to the PDX Picker Chris for sending us this treasure! Or .. lack there of!

DO NOT WANT: 2012 really IS the year it all ends

10 Feb

Mid-Mod Coffee Table w/2012 makeover – $160 (west sacramento)

hand-painted, boomerang, mid-century modern, atomic, coffee table, hand-painted with a zebra stripe design; moving soon, so this needs to go!

(Original Post)
*  *  *

This cool, modern, cool, retro, modern, atomic, cool, radical, nuclear, cowabunga, hand-drawn-on-with-a-sharpie, table is available right now due to a move to a county where doing such things to vintage furniture is a class-b felony.

Since this table isn’t for everyone (you have to have PRETTY GOOD taste to enjoy its beauty, guys) We think it best to do a quick pros and cons list for those considering dropping a buck-sixty on it:

PROS:

Versatile: Looks great next to your lounge chair, books, or SUV running board.

Unique: Where you gonna get an original set of “wacky wibble legz” in this day and age?

Functional: if you use it for its intended Aboriginal purpose the zebra will never see it coming.

CONS:

Hard to place in home: The inherent shape of the piece might make it difficult to arrange your other atrocious purple polka dot overstuffed couches around it.

Anatomy: “Diseased Black Lung” look is SO 2004.

Cleanliness: The mottled design might make your pets puke.

PS: If you buy it be sure to write us so we can send you a strongly-worded letter about this and other mistakes you’ve almost certainly made in your life!

Guest Writer Alan L. (Lover of 1960′s dollhouses)

DO NOT WANT: Shabbified Heywood Wakefield Nightmare

19 Jan

I would in no way say I’m a purist when it comes to furniture. Reproductions, spray-painted lamps – you name it, I’ve either done it or thought about it. I’m also not one to shy away from a refinishing project, especially on classic pieces of furniture. But the other day I was alerted to these Heywood Wakefield Sculptura line items being sold at an antique store in East Sacramento and became outraged and overcome with sadness. My boyfriend and I stared at them – trying to justify paying $65.00 for each nightstand, and $125.00 for the dresser. We even OWN matching pieces to this set, and couldn’t justify paying the price for the “refurbishing” they had done.

These wonderful beauties had been poorly refinished and scraped of their former glory, then either slathered with red stain, or dipped into a bucket of discount teal-blue paint. (Which, as you can see, they had much of, and used on that neighboring porch swing.) I dub the color, “1993 Geo Metro teal.” The dresser was rough to the touch, and would snag your clothes like a voracious monster being duped out of a bone.

The shabby chic Geo Metro

Perhaps you think I am overreacting. Just a little paint, just a little stain. They could be revived again! Well dear readers, the hours it would take to strip and sand the layers of blue out from every nook and cranny on these loves would just break my heart, break my brain, and my wallet. Here is what the Sculptura line is supposed to look like with its birch wood color:

If any of you out there are brave enough to take on the task of restoring these nuggets, or – more brash – make them work in your home in their current state, I say, BRING IT ON, BABYCAKES! And of course, send of photos of how it went!

DO NOT WANT: It’s a dining table harboring a terrible, terrible secret

10 Nov

It’s a Poker Table w/Dining Table Top Cover! – $350 (Chico, CA)


“So, we have this great custom made poker table. It has a cover so you can hide the poker table and use it as a real table too!

Drink holders and chip holders with a nice felt table top. Seats 8!!!

And, to top it off we will toss in four awesome, comfy RETRO chairs that just need a little TLC, for FREE!!”

(Original Posting)
*  *  *

Just when we’d hoped we’d seen the last of Puud’nchair Wilsons, our eagle-eyed insulter-in-chief (me) found yet ANOTHER set of 4 ‘retro’ ‘chairs’ in Chico.

These chairs are coupled with a custom poker table that screams “Man Cave” or “Man Hole” or “Taste-free.” Act now and you’ll receive a truly awful simulated wood table-top to place over the field of play. Here, monsieur can enjoy his Hungry Man XXXL Pork “Chef’s Selections” meal without fear of ruining potential straights or flushes.

Also, built-in drink holders — not just for one’s vehicle or la-z-boy recliner anymore. All for the low low LOW price of … $350.

(Also, for the purposes of this ad, “just a little TLC” in reference to the chairs means “doing something about the smell of cigarettes, sausages and shame.”)

Guest Writer Alan L. (Lover of 1960’s dollhouses)

DO NOT WANT: Poopwood

22 Oct

Retro Dining set (cute) 65.00 – $65 (citrus heights)

cute retro dining set. 4 chairs glass table.

(Original Post)
*  *  *

This table and chairs makes the do-not-want list mainly due to the unmitigated gall of the poster using the word cute (twice!) to describe it.

That said, since the original ad was otherwise lacking in descriptive quality, I’ve gone ahead and made some edits and fired them off. Hopefully he/she will update the listing soon.

“For sale is a super cute retro table and chairs! The table dates from 1987 and is finely crafted in solid Tennessee poopwood with a stunning vintage patina and several large food stains. The beveled glass insert is newly auto-tinted. The totally comfy chairs are made of wrought iron and chocolate pudding. Sorry, oddly placed beach towel not included. All offers considered, it’s got to go!”

Do Not Want guest writer Alan “Lover of 1960’s dollhouses” L.

DO NOT WANT: Animal print ANYTHING.

2 Oct

Like the “Do Not Want” written about my salty distaste for rattan – this is sure to be a feeling not shared with some of you readers. But I gotta say, boy do I not care for animal print ANYTHING. Even the incorporation of leopard print pumps into the J Crew catalog made my left eye twitch.

$175.00 Bistro Set

If you like animal print, creepers shoes, cat eye glasses, skulls as a viable print pattern for your bed linens, and studded Naugahyde ‘candy apple’ everything, have at it. This will probably work fantastically in your black, red, and white Shag den with black curtains – and, let’s be honest, probably one piece of furniture that has been spray-painted silver.

I do have to tip my invisible hat to the person who redid this Cosco bistro set, though. The paint job looks even and clean, the oil cloth upholstery and table top looks nice and tightly fit.

But. There are only so few circumstances that I would like to 1, sit on a zebra, and 2, eat off a zebra. Mostly having to do with being crowned King of Zebras, getting my own personal zebra court jester for me to perch upon while being amused by “what’s black, white, and red all over” jokes ad nauseum. As for the table, perhaps it will fit into this Royalty of the Savanna daydream I’ve got going after all. For if you were to cut a round out of a zebra like a mighty tree cut into segements, this would likely be the by product. What’s more luxurious than making a table out of your underlings?

Yeah, that’s right. Avert your eyes from my glory.. as ZEBRA KING! Ahhh, sekwenyaaa!
Hakuna matata, y’all.

DO NOT WANT: Mid-Century Vanity Chair

27 Jan

With guest writer, Alan L.


(Original Post)

Finally, a chair that says “I love the inside of an animal cell,” or failing that, “assorted pig organs.” The not-quite completely clashing scheme of yellow and “placenta pink” keep the eye darting around like a magic eye puzzle, dizzily tr…ying to find some hidden smiling face or sailing ship in the fabric or, at least, an answer to the question, “why?” 

Other bold moves include the asymmetrical heart-shaped backer, the sturdy wrought-iron legs, and the $100 price tag.

On the plus side, you could use it to bash someone’s skull in and get away with it, because the cops will be too busy puking to ever dust it for prints.

Available now, and forever, in Glen Park.

Click for more Do Not Want horrors for the eyes

DO NOT WANT: Holy Disco Coke Storm

21 Jan

So the estate of either a 70’s Bachelor or a nouveau riche Mediterranean family was purchased by this Craigslist seller from an estate sale a year ago. Sadly I was hoping this was where the couch had lived for the past 4 decades, on beige floor tiles in a non-offensively neutral villa.

At first glance I imagine the years past this couch has seen; coked up pillow fights of blonde feathered-haired girls in gold lamé bikinis, as bronzed men with pillowy tufts of chest hair sit on the chair arms and adjust their lapels.

Just as this couch unfolds – into a bed.. so does its sordid history.

The 70’s came and went. From luxurious, decadent parties, to solitary days spent with only the couch’s bachelor owner. The California winters never seemed so cold and lonely. Never feeling the loving touch or snuggle of a woman or child, the couch sat on in stoic silence. Together they grew old, outdated. Their once finer and appreciated qualities now seen as laughably poor taste and design.

It wasn’t until the 2000’s when there was a time of renewal. The couch’s owner met a nice woman, a fat-butted social worker, who adored shabby chic. (Yeah, I know the seller bought it from an estate sale – but this is just a nicer spin on the story.) Her curio and cupboards full of porcelain figurines moved in, his framed Nascar posters from early 80’s moved out. The couch just had to go.

The couch is now an item of irony and oddity – a throwback to the days of disco and southwest inspired beige upholstery.

For sale now on Craigslist for the meager price of $160.00. Or, as the seller declares, “would not mind trading for medium quality electric guitar and/or Flip Video camcorder and/or SNOWSHOES?”

DO NOT WANT: Reupholstered Eames-Style Lounge Chair aka THE HORROR

28 Sep

HOW COULD YOU!? I MEAN HONESTLY, HOW BAD COULD IT HAVE BEEN?! REALLY?

(Original Post) I found this a few days ago and SAVED the photo – thank god – because they reposted this ad without it. Gee, I wonder why. Maybe because of the barrage of angry e-mails cluttering up their inbox with the body of the e-mails simply stating “YOU BASTARD.”

The “upholstery” is either something that was scraped off a casino floor in the Flower Lounge or forcibly removed from an obese Hawaiian man’s closet. (What is he going to wear on Friday nights now!?) Please note – the matching pillow with pink fringe. To complete the transformation from one of the most iconic and well known styles of lounge chair in the world to “crazy aunt Irma needs to take a comfy sit-down after playing Gin Rummy while petting her ill-tempered rat terrier ‘Lizette’.”

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